Letting go...

So I have come to realize that I must let go. I found that the more I dug into his lies and tried to seek the truth the more hurt I caused myself. I know deep down when he is lying and I know when he hasn't told me the truth. I was checking his cell phone records (its in my name) and i was checking the mileage on his car (again insurance is in my name - we have a mileage reader we can check online)... by checking all this and digging and asking questions well was just  driving me mad and I was constantly thinking about it. So last week I would say Tuesday night I told him that he didn't have to worry about me checking his things or asking him anymore questions because I wasn't going to do that or "be that girl". I told him it just hurt the more I found out. So I stopped and yes its hard... because I want that validation... I want him to tell me that he doesn't really care... and that he doesn't want it to work... but I know even if it all came to pass I would feel even worse... and it wouldn't make it any easier.

Everytime we talk it always ends up with him trying to point finger and tell me if I would of done this or if i would of done that... it would of never happened. Or I didn't do this so it cause that to happen. I know its not true because he would of done it reguardless and he would try to blame it on something else.

Whats so hard is that I do love him. I know I deserve better... but I never honestly saw myself with another person... or imagined myself having children with any one other then him.

I've been trying to figure out how I feel.

I feel sad, empty, angry, nieve, soft, stupid, alone, and the list could keep going...

I know I am a good person and I know I didn't ask for this. I feel like I had/have no other choice and yet he is still unwilling to honestly look into himself and say hey I really need to work on this.

I'm sure there is somebody out there for me. I feel like all the hope I had for Gurcan has died. I am trying really hard on letting go.

I've been at my parents' house for a week and a half... he is still at our house and said he is working on trying to find his own place. He said he should be out by Saturday.

Gurcan is trying to play the victim... he is telling people that i am kicking him out... and that i just up and left and took his boys... and that I just out of the blue asked for a divorce.

I wish I could make a sign or find a way for them to know the truth.

I know sooner or later all this will bite him on his ass. Karma is a bitch.

I know he will never be truely happy until he is honest and truthfully happy with himself.

Again I don't know where I'm really going with all this... but I know its going to be hard every day and I must remind myself to let go.

I've been thinking about going to church... not sure where I want to go... I've been look for work... and I hope to get my financial aid approved from Calhoun.

This is what I for see... I feel that either when I've gotten a job or in school that he's going to be like "oh i love you lets make it work" or all this will happen when I'm with somebody else.

I really don't want to be with anoybody else... and I don't look forward to that whole processes of finding the "one"...