yeah so i cracked....

*sighs*


yeah so i lost it and blew up at him... i know thats what he wanted to happen... I hate that i let go like that but i was just so tired of it...  i haven't been feeling well and not sleeping = a pissy Tarah....

So i went over to talk to him about our taxes... I told him I felt that since I didn't have a job and have the boys that i should get the return... minus filing for divorce and catching up on our bills (cell & utilities) but for me to have what was left so i could take care of the boys... I told him that its been almost 3 weeks and he had only given me 50 bucks for Haydn...

He he took what i said the wrong way i guess... (i was only stating a fact) and got mad at me for saying it and how i hurt his heart by saying "only 50 bucks"... I was like are you serious? its just the truth...

He went on to tell me he gave me the $ when he could... and how he didn't appreciate me saying that to him... **(like how dare I, right?)**

so i told him that we needed to step outside... and I totally lost it...

I told him that i was sorry if i hurt his feeling but it wasn't intentional... he went on about and i think that is when i went ape shit...

I was yelling and cussing... (not at him or calling him names) but i really lost my mind... i was so angry... I told him wow heaven forbit me hurting your feelings and you can tell me how you make out with random women and i find these "dating/picking up women tip" and you  can tell me you don't love or respect me... or you can ask me to get an abortion (those were the first words out of his mouth when i told him i was pregnant with Haydn)... wow ... and thats not everything...

he also went on about how he was mad that i put "karma" on my facebook... and asked me "how" i could think that was Karma... i was like wow really do i need to elaborate...?? really!?!?!

so things simmered down and i felt bad because thats not me... so i tired to call him to apologize... he didn't answer... he sends me an im asking me what i wanted... i tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't so i had to do it all through IM

So i got some tax info from him and told him that i would file joint so he wouldnt have to pay back any taxes... he went on to say how he worked most of last year and how he deserves at least half of it... i told him it wasn't about deserving it... i said who needs it? I told him i wasnt out to take all his money or get him for all that he has... (which isn't much)

And again he is trying to make me look like the bad guy... I told him i would pay the state taxes for last year and this year ($925)

so he kept saying how i needed to file for the divorce asap... and how i better not blow the "only money" ill get for the rest of my life... and went on to say how i better not bring any men or women around haydn until i'm married to that person...

Wow... really.... being with somebody else is the last thing on my mind right now...

So today I go pick up the boys... i was late cuz my alarm didn't go off... so as soon as i woke up i went and picked them up.. **i was still in my pjs**

He hardly said a word to me.... I got our SScards and birth cert.... I was trying to talk to him but he would cut me off and say its none of my business and how after last night there was no chance of us fixing things... i was like wow... and to think i thought u wanted to make it work... DERR... i was like yeah what ever makes u feel better... and he went on to try and bash me some more like he always does... then tried to be all boo hoo poor gurcan...

He was going on about how he didnt want anything from me or my family and how i could throw away or give away this jacket my parents got him a few years ago... and how we all just "F#CKED him"... i was like wow ok... uh huh... alright... yeah... M'hm... yep... ok yeah alright... pretty much the whole time...

Oh well... I know he will never change... and he maybe with somebody already... or somebody in the near future... but i know that it wont last... because he won't take any fault in any of his actions or words... and i hope that this person doesnt take it for as long as i have...

I'm just so done.. i wish things would start falling into place... I'm ready to move on...

KARMA IS A MOTHER FUCKER

So I got a call at a quarter past noon... and guess what... its Gurcan...all upset because somebody at LG broke into his car... busted out the passenger side window and from what he could tell stole his laptop and GPS... hm... well ain't that a bitch... some of the top 3 things that were important to you all gone or broken.... and of all people you call me for help... wow...

I told him to be sure that was all that was taken... and to call the police to file a report... and told him to call me back later...

so Gurcan... u got Karma tattooed... so how does it feel now?!?!

;_;

I feel so empty....

I gave myself to a person.... invested 5 years of my life... and in the end... never really knowing who I was married to.... I was so nieve.... nothing else really matters to him... soon he will be free... and he has his citizenship...

What have I done... I can't believe I was so stupid to think that he would someday see me... and be deeply sorry... and love me and want me... god i was so blind... all this hurts so much... and I feel like all the energy is being sucked out of me with no where to recharge... I need some peace... I just want to be happy & loved... is that so much to ask...

David DeAngelo....

So today... I stopped by my house to pick up the mail... Ethan had to go to the potty so we went inside... while he was using the potty... I was trying to figure out a way to get my pics off my camera to my laptop ( my software cd is broken ).... Well I found one of the Flash Drives that I had lent to Gurcan last semester so i grabbed it and was going to attempt to move the program from one puter to the driver then to my laptop... well it didnt work i have to have the disc.... so in the mist of deleted the files off the drive I noticed this one file that was a pdf. thought it was odd. So i opened it up and right at the top in bright red it stated "DATING TIPS MAILBAG: INITIAL CONVERSATIONS WITH WOMEN, NOT BEING A WUSSY, AND OTHER GEMS..."

Upon further review i see letters to "Dave" and Dave writing back... I was like why would the be on my FD... i checked the details and saw that it was added October 9, 2009... @ 9:51pm.... hmmm...

So I googled David DeAngelo and the Link above is the site I found.... and I was amazed and shocked at the same time... because of the advice he was giving men, two MY FUCKIN" HUSBAND WAS GETTING TIPS ON HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN...

Then this one thing caught my eye... there was a link that said "Cocky Comedy" i was WTF... Oh HELLS NO...

"Cocky Comedy" is Gurcan way of thinking he's funny... it would drive me crazy and hurt my feelings half the time... and trust me I would tell him... Gurcan that really isn't funny... thats not funny... wow ur an ass... seriously not FUNNY... then one day about a month or so ago... he responded back "oh come on.... its cocky Comedy"....

So hello put 2 and 2 together.... obivously what he told me the other night was a lie... and thanks to Dave... assisted Gurcan on his many triumphs in the bars and clubs surrounding Florence and Huntsville, AL....

So right now I'm at the point where I wish i could just blast his ass on Facebook.... I want to write this guy David and tell him what an asshole he is and what kind of dumb fuck advise he is giving....


Oh and gurcan said he was going to be out of the house on the 31st... he said the boys and I could move back in... but guess what... he hasn't and won't pay the rent for February... so wtf... I'm so angry!!!

~Lies~

I feel like part of me is dying. Everytime I look at him its like I loose more of myself. I love him. Sadly I do. I love him even though he is not healthy for me. I look at him and I see the good thats there somewhere...

Lastnight I went by our house to check on Jupiter (our dog) and I fell asleep... when I woke up I missed being home... in my bed... with my things...

Well anyways Gurcan was in the living room so i went to see if we could chat. We started talking. Then he went on to say how he lied about making out with other women. I know he was lying then. Its like he keeps thinking thats the only reason why I want a divorce. I reminded him it wasnt that... but the fact when I asked him to stop he said no and that i had to accept it because all men do it... and not only that... but he also told me he didnt love me and respect me. I said THOSE ARE THE REASONS. ( i wasn't yelling)
He went on to say that he lied so that my parents wouldnt be mad at me... and that he would take all the blame... i was speachless.... i'm still flabber gasted...

He is trying to play the victim.

The boys and I have been at my parents for a complete two weeks going on three. Gurcan gave me a cashiers check (the kind you get from a teller at a bank) for $50.00 and it had my name on it but also said for Haydn Child support.... I asked him why he did that... he could of just given me money or put it in my account. He said he felt like she should of given me something... (after almost 3 weeks!?!?)

I can't believe he thinks I'm that stupid...

*sighs* Well on to another subject.... I'm still looking for work... i got the help wanted out of the Sunday paper and it was only 2 pages front and back... but i have a list of 7 places i need to go to today. I would really like to get the job at the flower shop... but we'll see...

Letting go...

So I have come to realize that I must let go. I found that the more I dug into his lies and tried to seek the truth the more hurt I caused myself. I know deep down when he is lying and I know when he hasn't told me the truth. I was checking his cell phone records (its in my name) and i was checking the mileage on his car (again insurance is in my name - we have a mileage reader we can check online)... by checking all this and digging and asking questions well was just  driving me mad and I was constantly thinking about it. So last week I would say Tuesday night I told him that he didn't have to worry about me checking his things or asking him anymore questions because I wasn't going to do that or "be that girl". I told him it just hurt the more I found out. So I stopped and yes its hard... because I want that validation... I want him to tell me that he doesn't really care... and that he doesn't want it to work... but I know even if it all came to pass I would feel even worse... and it wouldn't make it any easier.

Everytime we talk it always ends up with him trying to point finger and tell me if I would of done this or if i would of done that... it would of never happened. Or I didn't do this so it cause that to happen. I know its not true because he would of done it reguardless and he would try to blame it on something else.

Whats so hard is that I do love him. I know I deserve better... but I never honestly saw myself with another person... or imagined myself having children with any one other then him.

I've been trying to figure out how I feel.

I feel sad, empty, angry, nieve, soft, stupid, alone, and the list could keep going...

I know I am a good person and I know I didn't ask for this. I feel like I had/have no other choice and yet he is still unwilling to honestly look into himself and say hey I really need to work on this.

I'm sure there is somebody out there for me. I feel like all the hope I had for Gurcan has died. I am trying really hard on letting go.

I've been at my parents' house for a week and a half... he is still at our house and said he is working on trying to find his own place. He said he should be out by Saturday.

Gurcan is trying to play the victim... he is telling people that i am kicking him out... and that i just up and left and took his boys... and that I just out of the blue asked for a divorce.

I wish I could make a sign or find a way for them to know the truth.

I know sooner or later all this will bite him on his ass. Karma is a bitch.

I know he will never be truely happy until he is honest and truthfully happy with himself.

Again I don't know where I'm really going with all this... but I know its going to be hard every day and I must remind myself to let go.

I've been thinking about going to church... not sure where I want to go... I've been look for work... and I hope to get my financial aid approved from Calhoun.

This is what I for see... I feel that either when I've gotten a job or in school that he's going to be like "oh i love you lets make it work" or all this will happen when I'm with somebody else.

I really don't want to be with anoybody else... and I don't look forward to that whole processes of finding the "one"...

Loads of Crap

Many things have been happening since my last blog... I kind of feel guilty for not jumping on here and expressing my feelings everytime something had happened.

Getting over Thanksgiving and Christmas I thought that since it will soon be a new year that it would be a perfect time to start off with a clean slate...

So I purposed this to my husband and he said that he had nothing that he wanted to talk about...
so i educated him on our issues and communication was a BiG one... so it took him a few to absorb the whole thing...

I personally had nothing to tell him because I always try to let him know how I feel or if there is something bothering me.

I guess you could say I had a feeling that there were many things that he was keeping from me...

So after I asked him again if there was anything he had to say he then told me:

Well ya know when we were trying to work it out last year and we were "confessing" things we had done when our marraige was over & we had seperated.
~~~~~~~~~
This is basically what we had "confessed"

(this was after the fact that he told me it was over and that we were divorcing and when he called me names)

I was competely honest with him and told him everything.

I told him that I had gone out with 2 men and yes I did end up sleeping with them (no not at the same time)
I wasn't looking for a relationship... I wasn't looking for sex... I was looking to feel good... pretty... sexy... wanted...

and I told him this because he said he was sorry and that he wanted to make it work & was willing to do what he had to do to make it so...and so i felt i had to be honest with him.

When it was his turn...

He told me that "one time" back in the Spring when he was with his friend in Florence that he was drunk and dancing and just kissed this random woman he was dancing with.

I accepted it though I felt like there was more to the story... I didn't bring it up again. (Now keep in mind this was in June when we had this "talk")

~~~~~~

So back to what he was saying... he told me that he didn't randomly kiss one woman... that it has been  many women...

He also told me that when he goes out with his friends to the club or bar that he pretty much makes out with who ever he wants... and that its what guys do... its the club scene.... and that I need to accept it because ALL MEN do it they just won't admit it to their wives or girlfriends. I asked him where and he said everywhere... He said he has been doing this for years & I asked him since the begining? he said yes....

I told him I appreciated his honesty but that I couldnt accept this nor let it continue... I asked him if he would stop for me... and he told me no.

I told him that I couldn't be with somebody who felt like this was "ok" to do and that it was acceptable and who wouldnt stop when asked because it just shows how he doesn't respect me.

So I had been racking my brain trying to figure out what to do, what I wanted, what I deserved, and what kind of example I wanted to set for my sons.

Well needless to say that can opened up on its own on the Night of the big Alabama game...

I was invited to go to Moody Mondays... to watch the game and it was free and they would serve free soup...

I knew Gurcan wasn't a big football fan nor a fan of Alabama... so I didn't feel like it was something that I needed to call him at work about... I was going to wait till he got home and see if he wanted to go with me.

He sends me a text message around 3pm close to his break time saying that he and his buddies from work were going to the station right after work to watch the game and that he would be home right after.... I asked him if I could go because I wanted to see the game (we don't have cable at home)... he told me No that it was just the guys... I sent him another text back ... "since when do u like the guys at work"... he said that it was his last time to go out since school started the following monday... and I told him why can't he spend that time with me?... then he said well i was going to take you to that vampire movie tomorrow... i said you havent mentioned any kinda movie... and i'm sure he just pulled that out of his ass so i could be "ok" with him going out... i told him that if he is going to be drinking and driving and it snowing/icey outside and there is a huge AL game... its not a good idea to be going out... he sent me a text back " at least you would get the insurance money and be happy " at that point I LOST IT! I sent him a good ole FUCK YOU... I said ya know it doesn't matter what I have to say because ur a DiCK and your going to do what you want to do reguardless... I know your not friends with those guys from work all you do is talk about them and how they're rednecks and what not... so don't go there... you would rather spend your last day out with them then anywhere with me... he sent me "thats enough".... I didn't hear from him again untill 11:45pm with another text that just said "hey"....

Well that night i was like i'm not going to sit at home with nothing to do... no milk... its snowing/icing out... things are shutting down and he would rather go out with his friends... so me and the boys went to my parents house and watched the end of the game and spent the night.

The next day I went back to the house to get some fresh clothes for me and the boys... well Gurcan was home so i felt like this was a good time to try and explain to him why i was upset and why it bothered me....

Well this opened up a new can of worms... and the gist of it is...

He told me that he wasn't in love with me and that he didn't respect me... he also told me... again about the other women and "only making out with them"  and that when he was in Florence there was a young lady name Rebecca that he kissed her and that she had wanted to have a relationship with him (this was March of 09).
**He spent two full weekends in Florence, AL not once calling to talk to his children and i'm no fool and I'm sure there is more to this then what he has told me.**

I told him there was no way i could be with somebody that didn't love or respect me... he went on to say that he had love for me and cared about me but he wasn't sure "what level" of love he had for me. He said that we should stay together... because of the love he "had" and him caring... and that I was the nicest/sweetest person he'd ever known... and that he loved cuddling with me.

I told him what he was doing with those women he wasn't doing to me. I asked him when was the last time you really kissed me... or even "made out" with me for that matter... it has been years.... I told him he was wrong for that... and that i couldnt make him love me it was either he did or he didn't...

He then told me that I could make him fall in love with me... if I took care of myself better... put make up on more... or did my hair... if i put on nicer clothes... or if I got a job... or went to school and got a degree...

I told him there was nothing wrong with me... that I'm fine like I am... and that he should love me for me... and i told him even if i did do those things it wouldn't be enough and that there would always be something he was chasing after...

I told him wearing nicer clothes or getting my hair done or putting make up on or bring a breifcase to work didn't make me a better person... that those things he "needs" to fall in love with me are just THiNGS not ME!

and as for working or college... i asked him if he remembered what it was like when we 1st got married... I asked him what he had... what he did...

*so let me tell you... When we were 1st together... we met at college... and he had nothing because he was a forgien student... all he had were the clothes on his back... a couple of boxes and a piece of shit car... he had no job... no money... no degree...(he was in "learning" english classes) even though he already knew how to read, speak, and write english... he wasn't trying to take real college courses....

But I loved him for who he was... not what he had...

and so right before we were married he moved in with me and Ethan... still with nothing and no money... I fed him, clothed him, gave him a home, money to spend, i was there for him when he needed me...

and after we were married he lived off my student money.... and when there was no money... I got a job... so not only was i going to school and taking care of a 2 year old... i was also was 2 months pregnant...

but worked and did what i had to do because I loved him and my family... never did i make him feel guilty or bad for not working... i accepted him... and his faults... all i wanted was for him to love me...*

So after taking a break from our discussion  he said he didn't like seeing me upset and that we should go to the movies anyway... I don't know why I said "sure"... but I'm glad that I did...


So we went to the Monaco... and we missed the 1st movie because it was sold out... so we went ahead and stayed so we could see the "vampire" movie that he had orginally talked about...

We had about a 2 hour wait so we went to the bar area on the main floor... all the tables were full but we were told that the bar was 1st come 1st serve... as we were searching for seats this guy was calling to Gurcan "Dude dude... hey dudeeeeee" so i stopped and gurcan obviously didn't want to talk to him but i stopped anyways.. and the guy said hey man how you been... gurcan followed up with "hey my german friend...how are you i'm good i'm sorry i forgot your name" he said his name was Johan or something and they did a little small talk and Johan introduced Gurcan to the lady he was talking to "Julie" Gurcan shook her hand said hi and then he said a few more words to Johan... all the while i'm standing right next to him... Julie just looked at me and I looked at her... i finally just shrugged and I was just about to lean in for the into.. when Johan said so man who's this... Gurcan grabbed my arm and said... "Oh..? this is Tarah...." Johan gave me a odd look and then they continued to chat... i was dumb-founded... i was in awe... i had no words to express my shock and anger... i tried to play it off and just nodded and they finished their little chat...

we couldnt' find any seats that were on the main floor so we went upstairs...

as soon as i saw the bar i was directly in line for a drink!

Gurcan founds some seats and met me in line...
they we're crazy busy there was one person already being served infront of me and one behind me in line...
there were 2 bartenders and an assisstant...
so we got our drinks and sat down and did more talking... he told me that if i did all those things that he asked he could fall in love with me and... and that it would be wonderful if we stayed together...

I told him this was no quick fix... and no easy answer... i said maybe divorce is the best thing to do... he said no lets just seperate and let me date you... i agreed and he agreed to move out sometime the following week after he spoke to his friends...

about 15 minute before the movie started he wanted to smoke a cigarette... he asked me to go with him since it was on the way down... so i went...

We were outside and I him who was this Johan guy and how did he know him... he then explained to me that he met him and the lady upstairs at a bar... voodoo or something... i asked him what lady? there were a bunch of them upstairs... he said the one behind the counter... i said the Bartender?? he nodded... i was like so are they "friends" or "buddies" and he said oh no their just friends they went to the bar together... i said oh ok... and i'm thinking to myself ... why is he telling me this... so i said to him jokingly... Did you make out with her too??

he nodded... i laughed and said no really cuz i'm just joking... he said yes... i laughed again... and said no seriously i'm only kidding... but are you really serious? he said yes... but i don't remember her name... I said Sarah Smith... she is the Manager on duty upstairs... read the sign... all i could say was "wow"... i think i hardly spoke  to him... and when i was sitting there... watching this stupid moving... thinking to myself... I am never going to be like this woman... she is everything I'm not... and then I had this "ah" moment like angels singing... i felt amazing!

I knew then that there was nothing i could do... and I've done all i can to make it work... I knew then that if I stayed who knows how many other women I would run into that made out with my husband... ( or god knows what else with him )

I know I am a good person, I love my family,  I do my best when I can, I would do anything for anybody, I love me!! and I deserve to be with somebody that loves me too... I know I have my faults and no marraige is perfect... but there is some ground of common respect... and there is none here.

I still agreed to seperation and I told him that if i felt like divorce was the best thing and that he wasn't really trying to make it better... then thats what I would have to do.

So Monday came... and that night... well I'm really not sure who he spoke to or what kind of advise he was given but let me just tell you it was BAD!!

So again Monday night we had the kids in bed and Gurcan was speaking to his friend Deniz (in turkish) so i couldn't understand a word... I waited until he was off the phone to talk to him... Once Gurcan was off I asked him if he had talked to Deniz or anybody else about staying with them. He said he asked some guys at work but they said they would have to talk to their wives about it... then I asked well what about Deniz and he said that he just couldnt make the drive back and forth to florence... I was like oh well thats to bad i guess...
Then he told me that me and the boys should move out... because it would be easier or him... and that way since my parents offered to let us stay with them for a short period that i should go and stay with them to see what the real world was like...

I was in shock and amazement!! I was flabbergasted!!!

I said " W... T... F"
Where did you get or logic??? Where is this coming from???
Did you hear what you just said?!?! Wow your a piece of work... Your making us leave because its easier for you... wow just forget about your children... and what are you talking about the real world?? I servived with out you before... its no different now... You think your giving me the lesser of two evils? an ultimatum? I said what if we don't leave...

he said well i'm not leaving...

I told hime Oh so i'm just supposed to roll over and let this happen and pretend like its all ok...

he said when you go home you'll see that what your family complains about is the same thing I do and i've been taking it for years...

all i could say under my breath was "mother fucker..."

So i don't keep house like they think i should? or work? or do my hair? or put make up on? wow thats so worth kicking your wife and children out for... i was like wow let me compair... hmmm... non-clean house... or I don't love you?!? wow that is such a scale breaker... and to think all this time i had it wrong! gee thanks gurcan for clearing that up for me....

I told him all BULL SHIT aside... YOU DON"T LOVE ME SO WHY STAY TOGETHER! end of story!!
he then told me how he thinks he loves me and its my choice to leave...

I was like wow I so believe you... and i should just so take your word like i've always done...

we pretty much dropped the conversation...

So now it is Wednesday!! and I've been trying to write this blog all day...

I guess I should say Thank you Gurcan for helping me find myself... Thank you for showing me what love isn't... and making it easier to love myself... even when my husband didn't.


So Gurcan if you are reading this blog you will see that... Our things are gone... and the house is empty...its because you lost your chance to be selfless and you lost your chance for me... and now you have yourself to blame... Now honestly LOOK into yourself and who you are... and what you have put me through the past 5 years... and think really think about the things you have done and the things I may not even know about... and then you will see the truth... I hope that someday you are happy... because obviously your not happy with yourself... you will continue to reach for things out of your grasp... and always want things that aren't important... I am sad and disappointed that this is how it ended up... because I loved you from the begining... and sadly I still do. I didn't want to be with anybody else and I don't intend to. I have all them men that I need... Our children... Ethan and Haydn...

nothing else matters...

because I know they love me for who I am and they know that I love them more then life it self...