Busy Busy Bee...

So already I'm slacking in my "vent" department.. this is supposed to be my outlet...

Well I have completed my 1st month of dr. supervised weight loss... didn't loose any weight. I have 5 more meetings (months) to go and then i'll have my gastric bypass surgery... Its weird for me to think about "changing" myself... I've always seen myself at the "fat" girl... even when i really wasnt "FAT"... like in my mind i think i'm normal but when i look at myself i'm like wow where did all that come from... i weigh 270 pounds... my goal is 180 give or take afew... i have zero energy and i know its only going to get harder trying to keep up with my boys... I've tried many diets to no avail. So we'll see how it goes...

I also desided to sign up for toys for tots for my boys. We are really struggling for $ and I know we won't be able to get them anything really for xmas and I don't want to depend on or expect my dad to get them their xmas presents... I know its not about the gifts but about the time with family... I just want to have something here for them when they wake up... i'm kinda embarrassed that i have to do it... and I know there are people out there that are struggling more then me and mine.

 I just would like the good karma to come back to me...

Odd...

Well its was just an odd sort of day... Ethan's biological father got married today... ( which I'm really happy for him and Stephanie).

Is it odd that I really wanted to be there... just to witness the whole thing.. Jason hurt me deep. It took me years to get over and forgive him...

He hasn't seen Ethan since his 1st Birthday... so 6 years ago... They have had maybe a handful of conversations on the phone with I believe I initiated all of them...

They can't have children and I think deep down I'm affraid they will try and take Ethan away from me. Well not totally away...but to where I won't have him 100% of the time.

Stephanie has already told me that he has started talking about Ethan more and how they should find a two bedroom home so E could send the summers there...

Jason has been paying child support off and on for 3 years. I have never "stopped" him from coming over or contacting Ethan.

I know he isn't a bad person and he is good with kids. I'm just puzzled... how can he treat his own flesh this way and now since he is married and they know they can't have any children... Why now do u want him?

He is the same child he was 7 years ago...

I'm just so confused... I would like for him to have some type of relationship with Jason and Stephanie... but what kind? and I know it won't happen over night... omg i wouldn't allow it!

It would be to much for Ethan...

I have talked to him about Jason and my relationship many times... he knows that Jason is his Biological Father... and now that Stephanie step mother...

He knows they are in MI. and that there is more family up there. He knows the basics of our relationship... not all the bad things... the hurtful things... I will tell him the whole story when he is much older...

I honestly don't know if Jason has changed much. I don't know the reason why he truly doesn't try... is it because he remembers all the hurt he did to me? what he missed out on?

I'm just so confused.

Yes Ethan is only seven so there is always time to build a relationship... but I mean why wait till now? He has been with Stephanie for 2 years... She has already told me that her family would like to be apart of Ethan's life and accept them as their own...( which is nice and all but strange to me )

Well I'm off to take a hot bath and try to relax... Please any ideas or advice would be great...

Bum Day

I've got so many things running through my head. I don't know where to begin.

What makes a good wife... good?

So this is my first blog... and I have been craving to do this all weekend.

I am just really curious what people think... I mean I'm sure its different for everybody... but there has to be some basic qualities that are universal...

So pretty much this is what I'm trying to get at... I have been questioning my "wifeyness"... Now don't get me wrong... I don't think I'm a terrible wife... but am I a good wife? I know I'm no trophey wife.

But am I enough?

To me a good wife is somebody who is always there for her husband & family, who picks them up when they're down, supportive...etc etc.

I know I'm a pretty fab mom. (not to sound conceded)

I guess I don't feel like I should "slave" myself to my husband. Especially if its not mutual or appreciated...

I don't want to be that anal retentive wife... that has to have everything spotless, and everything has to be in its perfect place... and so on.

Am I wrong for that? Should I stive to be that? Is that what make a good wife good? Cleanliness? Neatness? Strict Order?

I honestly I guess can't believe that my husband feels like he needs to tell people not just his friends "how bad" I am... like I'm the only adult here and that I MUST take care of everybody...

No my house is not spotless... yes its messy... yes i should mop my floors or maybe wash the walls...but to be honest I guess thats my error... the one thing I'm not good at... I keep my house mantained... I don't have piles of trash or have to use pathways to get to places around my house...

I think these thing make me a pretty cool wife... because I don't know many women that would let their husbands do what mine does and obviously doesn't appreciate it!

so here it goes...

My husband works full time and goes to school full time... which I do appreciate very much so! And I tell him that!

Now he goes to work Mon - Fri. from 7:30 to 4:30. Then he has class from 5:30 to about 6:45 sometimes he will get out earlier Mon-Thur and then he has class from 11:30 to about 5...
So generally he should he home around 7ish through the week and at 5 on Fridays... (right?)

Wrong!! Not only does he not have to come home between work and school he gets to go right ther afterwork... he goes to class... annnnd gets to stay and study/hang out with his friends... and that is every god damn day!! So that means... he comes home around 9 or 10... sometimes 11 or Midnight... and its the samething happens on Friday... even when he doesn't have school...

I only ask him to do one thing around the house... to take the trash out when its full and put it on the curb...

I never ask him to clean or wash anything... or to even prepare a full meal.... I don't ask him to get our son ready for school or to even take him to school or to even put our kids to bed...

So pretty much he gets to do anything he wants...

I have been unemployeed since April of this year and after trying seriously for a few months I gave up and figured I would just stay at home and take care of the kids.

Even when I was working I tried to keep up with the house... and I made sure I was there for the boys... I had to because my husband thought his job was more important then mine...

We both had to be at work at the same time.... I was the only one getting the kids up and ready and taking them to school and daycare. Which of course made me late a lot of the time... I was the only one picking them up when they were sick and missing work. But not only that I was expected to cook and clean for everybody. When we worked the same hours... and everything.

So I was let go from my job for tardiness and missing days... (which I had warned my husband about)
Yes, I worked for a place that was anal retentive about tardiness... which i was usually only a few mins late... and no not every day... I would say at the most once week I would just have one of those days where everything was just running behind.  Well anyways I lost my job because I ran out of vacation, flex, and sick time...

And I honestly feel why should I work if I'm the only one taking care of the kids? I mean really?


It was always something... like my work is harder then your or mine is more important... or whatever else he had to say...

I have almost divorced him two times in the past five years we have been married...

Is this whats marraige is supposed to be like? or is it because I'm not a "good" wife?

Did I miss a memo on wifeyness?

Again I know I'm not a perfect wife but I think I let him do more then other would...

are all men unable to be apprecitative?

Should I be me? or who he wants me to be? but even if i do will it be enough?

I guess what i'm trying to say is my husband feels he has the right to tell his friends and coworkers... how "aweful" i am... and not only that he has to come and tell me about it... like its going to make me feel any better... or tell me how they think i'm wrong for whatever...

I wish I could be so selfish... to tell you that I'm done for today...  and tell you I've done all that i need or want to do... and... Yes! He has said that to me befor many times!

Are ALL husbands this way? if so I think i may as well get a divorce and become a lesbian or just be single for the rest of my life...

I mean is it really worth it? Do we as women have to put up with this type of stuff to be "married"?